Saturday, April 30, 2011
"When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!" - Cave Johnson xD
Friday, April 29, 2011
There is a whole lot of things that I will forgive, but I just can't take a liar.
Okay, so we all tell lies. Lie to our teachers about homework. Lie to our parents about our grades. Lie to our friends about who we are. Sometimes these lies are in everyones best interest. Sometimes it is to save our own ass. But I don't think I can find even one person on the face of this planet who hasn't ever told a lie. However small it may be. Something as stupid as "My dog ate my homework." But I guess these lies don't count. Lies that save your ass && don't hurt anyone, well I guess they don't count. But who keeps a tab? Of what lies are allowed && what aren't. Someone may think I'm better off not knowing something. Who gives them the right to deicide what's best for me? Don't I deserve the truth?
&& you know what hurts most. It's when you know they're lying to you. && they know that you know that they're lying (if that makes any sense) but they still don't think you're worth the truth.
A lie may take care of the present, but I don't think it has a future.
When you tell one lie, you have to keep track of it. Tell another lie to cover it up. Tell a third lie to cover the first two lies up && so on. Mark Twain once said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." That is so true. With someone who has a memory as bad as mine, I don't remember what lies I've told before. I get entangled in my own stories && end up looking like a fool. So I refrain from lying. I sometimes don't tell the whole truth. && I'm not saying I'm a very honest person && that is why I never lie. I just don't because I can't keep track of it. But I have lied. Abraham Lincoln said "No guy has good enough memory to be a successful liar." As far as I'm concerned, I believe him.
But this post isn't my take on other people lying. Or about lies in general. It is about me lying. To myself. && I guess that is the worst type of lies.
Whenever something goes wrong in my life, I find someone to blame it on. I mean reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth too?
So I don't. I lie.
Bad grades? Family pressure. No friends? I choose to be anti-social. Depression? God hates me. Heck, I only believe in God when I need someone to blame!
I lie to myself. Each && every time. Because it's easier than dealing with the truth. Bad grades? Well I'm dumb. & I didn't work hard enough. No Friends? Because I'm kind of a bitch all the time. Depression? Only I can cause that.
So what I'm saying is, that sometimes we don't realize that we're not admitting things to ourselves. Its less complicated && painless. It's like you tell yourself a lie enough times that you will start believing it to be true.
So I guess this is my confessional. This is the point where I realize how lying to myself is only affecting me. Adversely. && how ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away. It just makes it bigger until I finally have to deal with it.
So I'm going to stop. Take responsibility for what I do. & for what I don't.
I blamed being anti-social on Dev. I said I didn't have a boyfriend because I was still in love with Dev. I said I didn't wanna live because Dev was everything that mattered. I lied. Yes, he means a lot. && yes, his lies broke me. But I'm stronger than that. && I know it. I was just using him as an excuse to avoid the challenges of life. I was tired. I was broken. & dealing with the pain was too hard. So I just lied to myself that I couldn't do it. It was easier, right?
People try to be friends. They care. But I just didn't let anyone too close. Maybe I had trust issues. Maybe I was just too weary of being disappointed.
But as I said, I'm done. I'm done lying to myself. Done pretending I don't care when I so obviously do. && done pretending that I do care when I've gotten over it a long time ago.
I'm not going to use things that happen to me as an excuse to be weak anymore. I'm going to use them to my benefit. To be strong. & to live :)
"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid." - Richard Bach
"Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others." - Fyodor Dostoevski.
Love,
NJ (:
&& you know what hurts most. It's when you know they're lying to you. && they know that you know that they're lying (if that makes any sense) but they still don't think you're worth the truth.
A lie may take care of the present, but I don't think it has a future.
When you tell one lie, you have to keep track of it. Tell another lie to cover it up. Tell a third lie to cover the first two lies up && so on. Mark Twain once said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." That is so true. With someone who has a memory as bad as mine, I don't remember what lies I've told before. I get entangled in my own stories && end up looking like a fool. So I refrain from lying. I sometimes don't tell the whole truth. && I'm not saying I'm a very honest person && that is why I never lie. I just don't because I can't keep track of it. But I have lied. Abraham Lincoln said "No guy has good enough memory to be a successful liar." As far as I'm concerned, I believe him.
But this post isn't my take on other people lying. Or about lies in general. It is about me lying. To myself. && I guess that is the worst type of lies.
Whenever something goes wrong in my life, I find someone to blame it on. I mean reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth too?
So I don't. I lie.
Bad grades? Family pressure. No friends? I choose to be anti-social. Depression? God hates me. Heck, I only believe in God when I need someone to blame!
I lie to myself. Each && every time. Because it's easier than dealing with the truth. Bad grades? Well I'm dumb. & I didn't work hard enough. No Friends? Because I'm kind of a bitch all the time. Depression? Only I can cause that.
So what I'm saying is, that sometimes we don't realize that we're not admitting things to ourselves. Its less complicated && painless. It's like you tell yourself a lie enough times that you will start believing it to be true.
So I guess this is my confessional. This is the point where I realize how lying to myself is only affecting me. Adversely. && how ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away. It just makes it bigger until I finally have to deal with it.
So I'm going to stop. Take responsibility for what I do. & for what I don't.
I blamed being anti-social on Dev. I said I didn't have a boyfriend because I was still in love with Dev. I said I didn't wanna live because Dev was everything that mattered. I lied. Yes, he means a lot. && yes, his lies broke me. But I'm stronger than that. && I know it. I was just using him as an excuse to avoid the challenges of life. I was tired. I was broken. & dealing with the pain was too hard. So I just lied to myself that I couldn't do it. It was easier, right?
People try to be friends. They care. But I just didn't let anyone too close. Maybe I had trust issues. Maybe I was just too weary of being disappointed.
But as I said, I'm done. I'm done lying to myself. Done pretending I don't care when I so obviously do. && done pretending that I do care when I've gotten over it a long time ago.
I'm not going to use things that happen to me as an excuse to be weak anymore. I'm going to use them to my benefit. To be strong. & to live :)
"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid." - Richard Bach
"Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others." - Fyodor Dostoevski.
Love,
NJ (:
YAYAY Turks :D
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Official messages from Omegle will not be sent with the label 'Stranger:'. Strangers claiming to represent Omegle are lying.
You: hey
Stranger: yesĞ?
You: :/
You: ....
Stranger: where are u from
You: Indiaa
You: wbu?
Stranger: turkey <3
You: SO COOL.
You: I know Turkish.
You: Slm.
You: B)
Stranger: slm
You: && Seni seviyoram <3
You: or something :p
Stranger: niceee
You: Turks are obsessed with sex -.-
You: in my experience.
You: I asked a turk if he can make tea. He told me he likes sex S:
Stranger: nice verry nice
Stranger: yes like.
You: do you even speak english?
Stranger: sorry never mind
You: umm okaay
Stranger: I am getting bored
You: same.
You: bye (:
Stranger: by
You: BUT YOU MADE MY DAAAY
You have disconnected.
A turk after SO long<3
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts and we’ve got to find other ways to make it alone, or keep a straight face. I’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Someone you miss?
Someone asked me this question on formspring && I was taken aback by my own answer.
Now I'm all nostalgic.
This is what I wrote :
I don't even know where to begin on this one.
I miss Richy. I miss Preetanjan. I miss being best friends with Sachi in 9th grade. I miss Girish with Skii & Aaron & Amer & Nonu & Sachi. I miss seeing Pranav almost everyday. I miss being close to Cory. I miss Boom. I miss Rishi & I miss Yash. I miss how tight Pari Riya && I were. I miss the Katta times with Mriya & Dipika. I miss mom & dad being together. I miss so much.
Now I'm all nostalgic.
This is what I wrote :
I don't even know where to begin on this one.
I miss Richy. I miss Preetanjan. I miss being best friends with Sachi in 9th grade. I miss Girish with Skii & Aaron & Amer & Nonu & Sachi. I miss seeing Pranav almost everyday. I miss being close to Cory. I miss Boom. I miss Rishi & I miss Yash. I miss how tight Pari Riya && I were. I miss the Katta times with Mriya & Dipika. I miss mom & dad being together. I miss so much.
&& I miss so much more but this is what came to my mind immediately. So.
Picking sides.
You know how you feel when your two bestfriends are fighting. && you're just sandwiched in the middle. Listening to both sides of the story. Listening to both of them bitch about each other && presenting different versions of the story. & not being able to take a side. & having to defend them both. Gets frustrating, right? && at one point you just can't be patient && tell them to grow up && stop acting like kids.
Well, imagine that situation being 10x worse.
Replace your bestfriends with your parents.
Thats how I feel.
I mean I haven't spoken to my mom in quite sometime now but they have their own versions on what happened between them. On what is happening now. & none of the stories are pretty. They frustrate me. I wish I was 5 years old so they'd think I was too young to understand. But no, I'm barely 5 months from being an adult && I look mature enough to sneak into A Rated movies && thus I can perceive what's happening. Understand. Evaluate. && take sides.
Their case is in the court. There is a new addition to the papers every time there is a hearing. A new reason to cause dispute. & then having to listen to your parents bitch.
I lived with my mom for a year before I moved in with dad. So I've had equal amounts of heart-to-hearts with both of them. && they're not pleasant. I feel suffocated. Yes, probably, she has done a lot of wrong things but she is my mom. && No, I can't judge her. & you were in love with her. There has to be a reason why you'll went against both your families && ran away together. Got married in a jungle. Same applies for dad. I might hate him sometimes. I know he is not the perfect husband. Definitely not. But he is my dad. & nothing is going to change that.
You just love your parents. Maybe that's what blood does.
I just wish it wasn't so hard. That if people stopped getting along they'd just walk away. Without causing so much drama. Without causing pain to themselves && other people involved. Just disappear. Because even though it sounds horrible, I'm guessing its easier that way.
Albert Camus once said that "Life is a sum of all your choices." I believe that is true. I believe in never regretting anything because at one point that is exactly what we wanted. && I wish sometimes that my parents would understand that. && stop blaming each other for the wrong choices they themselves made. Take responsibility for their actions.
I wish we didn't have to go through this. But at the same time, it is what makes me strong. && I know that this phase in life will pass. Sooner or later the sun will come out. Until then all I can do is keep hope :)
Much love,
xoxo
Well, imagine that situation being 10x worse.
Replace your bestfriends with your parents.
Thats how I feel.
I mean I haven't spoken to my mom in quite sometime now but they have their own versions on what happened between them. On what is happening now. & none of the stories are pretty. They frustrate me. I wish I was 5 years old so they'd think I was too young to understand. But no, I'm barely 5 months from being an adult && I look mature enough to sneak into A Rated movies && thus I can perceive what's happening. Understand. Evaluate. && take sides.
Their case is in the court. There is a new addition to the papers every time there is a hearing. A new reason to cause dispute. & then having to listen to your parents bitch.
I lived with my mom for a year before I moved in with dad. So I've had equal amounts of heart-to-hearts with both of them. && they're not pleasant. I feel suffocated. Yes, probably, she has done a lot of wrong things but she is my mom. && No, I can't judge her. & you were in love with her. There has to be a reason why you'll went against both your families && ran away together. Got married in a jungle. Same applies for dad. I might hate him sometimes. I know he is not the perfect husband. Definitely not. But he is my dad. & nothing is going to change that.
You just love your parents. Maybe that's what blood does.
I just wish it wasn't so hard. That if people stopped getting along they'd just walk away. Without causing so much drama. Without causing pain to themselves && other people involved. Just disappear. Because even though it sounds horrible, I'm guessing its easier that way.
Albert Camus once said that "Life is a sum of all your choices." I believe that is true. I believe in never regretting anything because at one point that is exactly what we wanted. && I wish sometimes that my parents would understand that. && stop blaming each other for the wrong choices they themselves made. Take responsibility for their actions.
I wish we didn't have to go through this. But at the same time, it is what makes me strong. && I know that this phase in life will pass. Sooner or later the sun will come out. Until then all I can do is keep hope :)
Much love,
xoxo
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Dum maaro dum. That sounds wrong. :|
Well I was studying Sociology. && then this song kept playing in my head. Probably because I just watched the movie. But I find the lyrics hilarious xD
For those of you who do not get Hindi, the picture says, uh well I can't literally translate but it means that even the richest of people sit naked on the pot :P so what's the need for society?
& since I was writing about it I thought I'd include my feedback on the movie. Because I have nothing better to do, actually.
So the movie is set in Goa. && its about drugs. There is a police guy, Abhishek Bachan, who used to be a bribe taking, corrupt police officer. && then he lost his family in a car crash because the other driver was stoned & crashed into them. So this is a life changing incident. & he becomes a faithful police guy yadayadaya. Then there is a drug network && innocent people come under pressure, like Bipasha Basu & the other dude whose name I don't know. In the end Abhishek Bachan dies. So do all the drug people. So does Bipasha Basu. Only like 2 people survive. Then there is Abhishek Bachan && Bipasha Basu ka ghosts loitering around Goa :S don't ask me ! :S
Deepika Padukone or however you spell her name comes for 5 minutes but is fucking hot :P
All in all, I don't understand why everyones status on BBM was "Dum maaro dum (Y)" because tbh, I didn't find it very interesting. But then I don't like action & movies where people die. I'm more of the rainbows & butterflies person.
So anyway. If you sat through Tees Maar Khan only cuz of Sheila then trust me, this is a hundred times better. && Deepika Padukone is hot. But I wouldn't give it more than 2 stars on 5.
Now I wanna watch Yogi Bear :D
I should get back to Sociology.
Love,
NJ :D
& since I was writing about it I thought I'd include my feedback on the movie. Because I have nothing better to do, actually.
So the movie is set in Goa. && its about drugs. There is a police guy, Abhishek Bachan, who used to be a bribe taking, corrupt police officer. && then he lost his family in a car crash because the other driver was stoned & crashed into them. So this is a life changing incident. & he becomes a faithful police guy yadayadaya. Then there is a drug network && innocent people come under pressure, like Bipasha Basu & the other dude whose name I don't know. In the end Abhishek Bachan dies. So do all the drug people. So does Bipasha Basu. Only like 2 people survive. Then there is Abhishek Bachan && Bipasha Basu ka ghosts loitering around Goa :S don't ask me ! :S
Deepika Padukone or however you spell her name comes for 5 minutes but is fucking hot :P
All in all, I don't understand why everyones status on BBM was "Dum maaro dum (Y)" because tbh, I didn't find it very interesting. But then I don't like action & movies where people die. I'm more of the rainbows & butterflies person.
So anyway. If you sat through Tees Maar Khan only cuz of Sheila then trust me, this is a hundred times better. && Deepika Padukone is hot. But I wouldn't give it more than 2 stars on 5.
Now I wanna watch Yogi Bear :D
I should get back to Sociology.
Love,
NJ :D
It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. - J.K.Rowling.
These days I find it hard to make choices. I spend 20 minutes trying to decide whether to wear blue jeans or black when I'm already running late for tuitions. The color of my jeans will have no significance. No one I know is going to see me. But these insignificant stupid things are what I waste my time on.
Whether to study business or psych. Whether to blog or read a book. Whether to oder McDonalds or eat Maggi. & though all these seem REALLY stupid I spend a hell lot of time deciding each one of them. Guess that is just a way of procrastination.
All these choices cause confusion. & though it seems dopey to be even bothering thinking about these things, let alone dedicating a whole blogpost to them is ridiculous.
I'm just trying to say that I'm in a very weird place right now. Its not just these meaningless things that I can't make up my mind about. Its also whether I want to go to the States for college or not, a choice that I have NEVER questioned before. Whether I really wanna do journalism or am I just picking it because its convenient && its what I'm good at. Wether I wanna live with mom or dad. Whether I wanna be anti-social because life is just easier without having to deal with some people && the drama they bring.
I don't know anything. && sometimes I wonder if everyone goes through this phase. When they're not certain of anything they're doing. & why they're doing it. & that just gets very frustrating.
but its happening to me. I'm baffled by all the options available.
&& then there is always that one never ending dilema :
Which seat can I take?
Whether to study business or psych. Whether to blog or read a book. Whether to oder McDonalds or eat Maggi. & though all these seem REALLY stupid I spend a hell lot of time deciding each one of them. Guess that is just a way of procrastination.
All these choices cause confusion. & though it seems dopey to be even bothering thinking about these things, let alone dedicating a whole blogpost to them is ridiculous.
I'm just trying to say that I'm in a very weird place right now. Its not just these meaningless things that I can't make up my mind about. Its also whether I want to go to the States for college or not, a choice that I have NEVER questioned before. Whether I really wanna do journalism or am I just picking it because its convenient && its what I'm good at. Wether I wanna live with mom or dad. Whether I wanna be anti-social because life is just easier without having to deal with some people && the drama they bring.
I don't know anything. && sometimes I wonder if everyone goes through this phase. When they're not certain of anything they're doing. & why they're doing it. & that just gets very frustrating.
but its happening to me. I'm baffled by all the options available.
&& then there is always that one never ending dilema :
Which seat can I take?
Corrrryyyy :D
http://anewskew.wordpress.com/
^ That is my Cory's blog :D Go read. Its the shit. B)
&& Cory thankyou for the post on your blog. Its very flattering :P But we all know that you're the one who tops English & uses big words & writes awesomely :)
You MUST post poems too. You write well (do you like McGuire, Lizzie? HAHHAHA XD). Anyway, I can't rhyme cat with bat. Plus your poems don't have the whole deep meaning & shit. Its just simple & funny & stuff that we can connect to :)
I'm so glad you're finally blogging :D & I still think you should drop the whole i-wanna-be-an-engineer plan & start writing full time cuz you're THAT good :D
Everyone go subscribe to his blog ^_^
Much love,
NJ<3
^ That is my Cory's blog :D Go read. Its the shit. B)
&& Cory thankyou for the post on your blog. Its very flattering :P But we all know that you're the one who tops English & uses big words & writes awesomely :)
You MUST post poems too. You write well (do you like McGuire, Lizzie? HAHHAHA XD). Anyway, I can't rhyme cat with bat. Plus your poems don't have the whole deep meaning & shit. Its just simple & funny & stuff that we can connect to :)
I'm so glad you're finally blogging :D & I still think you should drop the whole i-wanna-be-an-engineer plan & start writing full time cuz you're THAT good :D
Everyone go subscribe to his blog ^_^
Much love,
NJ<3
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Happy Easter :D
The great gift of Easter is hope - Christian hope which makes us have that confidence in God, in his ultimate triumph, and in his goodness and love, which nothing can shake.
Basil C. Hume
Which is rich coming from me because first, I'm not Christian. && Second, I'm agnostic.
But eh, what the heck? I love the Easter Bunny ^__^
My Easter pictures :
Basil C. Hume
Which is rich coming from me because first, I'm not Christian. && Second, I'm agnostic.
But eh, what the heck? I love the Easter Bunny ^__^
My Easter pictures :
^^
The only reason I actually like Easter :P EASTER EGGS && BUNNIES ^__^
Happy Easter to you & your family :D
Love,
NJ :D
That one person :)
Well. I was feeling really low. & I had no one to talk to. Like I often don't. I have 800 people on my facebook. But friends, I can count them on my fingers. & somehow I think thats a good thing. I've been the chick who is best friends with just about everyone, and though its overwhelming, not many people are going to stick around forever.
& people still think I'm that person & that is why it is so hard for them to believe that I'm lonely. Really lonely.
& then I turned to the one person who I know is always there. Maybe everything he ever said to me is a lie. But he makes me feel like I'm the best thing in the world. & I need to feel that way at least one in a while.
So I felt like I was everyones second choice. Not the priority, just an option. & I was getting sick of it. & told that to the one person who made me feel like I was the priority.
& this is what he said to me.
i dont think ur everyones second preference. i know there are a gazillion people out there who admire you but maybe jus dont come out n say it. ur always gonna be a priority to everyone who actually noes you. cuz ur just that awesome.
i bet theres not a single person whos known u n regrets it. if u ask me i think ur the most dignified person iv ever known. n im shit serious here.
as for people who take u jus as on option, they have no idea what theyr missing on. n i believe that u dont even need to bother bout such idiots. some people jus have this tendency to find faults in the most perfect thing too. they jus cant appriciate things as they are. but that doesnt make u any less perfect.
dont u be stupid n let such jobless morons bother you.
u already have many people who love you around you.
so dont let this make u feel low n gloomy. i like the bunny you :)
And this is why, I love him. && a lot of people call me stupid & dumb.
I even heard someone say that I made Dev up because I wanted attention. When although, I did consider the possibility that I have schizophrenia, which I don't think is what people mean, I did not make him up. But what people stopped bothering me a long time ago. Eleanor Roosevelt said - "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
But that is beside the point. The point is that we all need someone in life. To turn to. For comfort. & sympathy. & No i don't think that I'm the most perfect thing in the world but the fact that someone in the world does, is reassuring. That I'm not a complete waste. It gives me hope. To hold on. && hopefully that someone in your life wouldn't be as twisted as mine :P & so hold on. If not for yourself then for that one person who you mean the world to :)
Much love<3
xoxo
& people still think I'm that person & that is why it is so hard for them to believe that I'm lonely. Really lonely.
& then I turned to the one person who I know is always there. Maybe everything he ever said to me is a lie. But he makes me feel like I'm the best thing in the world. & I need to feel that way at least one in a while.
So I felt like I was everyones second choice. Not the priority, just an option. & I was getting sick of it. & told that to the one person who made me feel like I was the priority.
& this is what he said to me.
i dont think ur everyones second preference. i know there are a gazillion people out there who admire you but maybe jus dont come out n say it. ur always gonna be a priority to everyone who actually noes you. cuz ur just that awesome.
i bet theres not a single person whos known u n regrets it. if u ask me i think ur the most dignified person iv ever known. n im shit serious here.
as for people who take u jus as on option, they have no idea what theyr missing on. n i believe that u dont even need to bother bout such idiots. some people jus have this tendency to find faults in the most perfect thing too. they jus cant appriciate things as they are. but that doesnt make u any less perfect.
dont u be stupid n let such jobless morons bother you.
u already have many people who love you around you.
so dont let this make u feel low n gloomy. i like the bunny you :)
And this is why, I love him. && a lot of people call me stupid & dumb.
I even heard someone say that I made Dev up because I wanted attention. When although, I did consider the possibility that I have schizophrenia, which I don't think is what people mean, I did not make him up. But what people stopped bothering me a long time ago. Eleanor Roosevelt said - "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
But that is beside the point. The point is that we all need someone in life. To turn to. For comfort. & sympathy. & No i don't think that I'm the most perfect thing in the world but the fact that someone in the world does, is reassuring. That I'm not a complete waste. It gives me hope. To hold on. && hopefully that someone in your life wouldn't be as twisted as mine :P & so hold on. If not for yourself then for that one person who you mean the world to :)
Much love<3
xoxo
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Cat & Mouse (:
I miss the time AL used to keep singing this. I miss AL (:
We made plans to grow old,
Believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.
Lost in a simple game Cat & Mouse to me the same.
People as before this came to light.
<3
Friday, April 22, 2011
Feelings.
We're all walking around with these glossy eyes. "I'm just tired" we say. But you know what? Its bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but its not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. We're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. We're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we're surrounded by dozens of people. So why can't we just say it? Why are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say "I'm unhappy, I'm broken. I'm hopeless and I'm fallible" ? We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and I'm fine, thank you's. Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit to cover up our problems. We are human. We are meant to feel. To feel everything and to feel openly. We are not mental - we are emotional and empathetic. We have a heart that beats and a brain that thinks. We're alive. We are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide the things that make us human, because if we do, then what's left to show?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Awkward Moment.
Facebook has its phases. There was Kate's party. The lol jk pages. The Justin Bieber pages. The fearless bastard pages. Then the Dear so&so pages and lots more. Most recently we've seen too many Rebecca Black pages!
But these very intelligent hilarious pages are just forgotten after the craze for type of pages is over.
Here I pay a tribute to The Awkward Moment pages :
1. The awkward moment when Bruno Mars accidentally drops the grenade.
2. The awkward moment when Rebecca Black doesn't know which seat to take.
3. The awkward moment when you're the girl to Rebecca Black's right in the video & don't know what the fuck you're even doing there.
4. The awkward moment when Taylor Swift doesn't know the ending to Romeo & Juliet.
5. The awkward moment when Australia's flag says "Made in China".
6. The awkward moment when you've been talking on the phone for 5 minutes but realise the call dropped 4 minutes ago.
7. The awkward moment when you don't forward a chain mail & die.
8. The awkward moment when an atheist sneezes & you say 'god bless you!' :P
9. The awkward moment when someone says they weren't invited to Kate's Party !
10. The awkward moment when Katy Perry thinks she kissed a girl but it was really Justin Bieber.
Okay I have school now !
Bye<3
But these very intelligent hilarious pages are just forgotten after the craze for type of pages is over.
Here I pay a tribute to The Awkward Moment pages :
1. The awkward moment when Bruno Mars accidentally drops the grenade.
2. The awkward moment when Rebecca Black doesn't know which seat to take.
3. The awkward moment when you're the girl to Rebecca Black's right in the video & don't know what the fuck you're even doing there.
4. The awkward moment when Taylor Swift doesn't know the ending to Romeo & Juliet.
5. The awkward moment when Australia's flag says "Made in China".
6. The awkward moment when you've been talking on the phone for 5 minutes but realise the call dropped 4 minutes ago.
7. The awkward moment when you don't forward a chain mail & die.
8. The awkward moment when an atheist sneezes & you say 'god bless you!' :P
9. The awkward moment when someone says they weren't invited to Kate's Party !
10. The awkward moment when Katy Perry thinks she kissed a girl but it was really Justin Bieber.
Okay I have school now !
Bye<3
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
:')
The most awesome thing at VHMUNC 2011 (:
I love the Press Team :D
P.S : Ashna if you ever read this, I'm very sorry about the first newsletter :(
You are the most diligent & talented writer I have :)
The most tangible of all visible mysteries - fire.
Exactly 9 years ago my house burnt down. Everything was gone. My pictures, clothes, books, and most importantly my 32 barbies. And my two doll houses.
Those were the most precious things back then.
I cried a lot. I was only a kid. I didn't fully grasp what had happened. & how something so terrible could even happen to me. But I cried. Because I guess that's what kids do. & everyone around me expected me to break down. So I did.
My aunt took me out then. Bought me 3 barbies that had just come out. That I had been nagging my mom to buy. But suddenly I didn't care about them. The 32 barbies were not as important as my half burnt birth certificate. & drenched photographs.
I guess that was the day I grew up.
Today. I was coming home from someplace. & about 3 blocks from my house there was a fire. Exactly 9 years ago, 6 houses caught fire. Mine was among the 6. These places were far away. The cause couldn't be related. But apparently it had some astrological significance. When I saw the fire today I thought I was gonna die. I got paranoid. Superstitious too, perhaps. But I was alone. & I was scared. No one was home 9 years ago. I was home today.
Then I accidentally watched the news on TV & found out that there was a fire in Rajdhani Express, yes the train. It got me even more scared. All these fires. The date. It was beyond creepy.
19th April 2011.
Well I'm still alive. && Nothing around me caught fire. Guess that's always a good thing :)
Man is the only creature that dares to light a fire and live with it. The reason? Because he alone has learned to put it out.
But sometimes you're just far too late to put it out. & everything you had is destroyed.
But you have to fight it out. Get over your loss, whether it is barbies or every memory you've ever had, stiffen that upper lip & move on with life :)
Because no one ever said that life would be fair. They just said that it would be worth it in the end :D
Love,
NJ (:
Monday, April 18, 2011
Because. Average is the new exceptional. :D
Because this is worth watching :) & Rihana & Lady Gaga videos that give me nightmares are not >.<
Courtesy - Mriya Mansingh<3
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Respect.
Vihan Jain.
Your new haircut, that is inspired by Noah Puck Puckerman, is AWESOME.
& yes the teachers hate it. & everyone in the world thinks you're retarded.
I, and a couple of other highly important & intelligent people, love it :D
Way to go :P
Your new haircut, that is inspired by Noah Puck Puckerman, is AWESOME.
& yes the teachers hate it. & everyone in the world thinks you're retarded.
I, and a couple of other highly important & intelligent people, love it :D
Way to go :P
The reason why (=
People often ask me what my blog is about. Whether I write life stories or fiction or reviews or what?
I never have an answer for them.
I guess its because my blog if very much like me. Or like any other teenager.
We have thoughts & feelings & emotions & an opinion about EVERYTHING.
We're into music. We're into movies. We're into writing. & photography. & 10 thousand other things.
& my blog just shows all the things that I am & all the things that I do.
Well I'm not a brilliant writer. Though I score fairly well in my English exams at school. I do not use "flowery language" as Sammy puts it. I do not have a wide range of vocabulary & I don't use complex language. My blog is simple. The way I wish life could be.
So I don't have opinons about everything that is happening in the world. Hell, I don't even keep track. I do not have deep knowledge about any one field that I could possibly share with people up here.
Then you might wonder why I created a blog in first place.
Well I needed a place to rant. I could always express better when I wrote. & it is somehow easier if you can share what you have without other peoples opinions affecting what you feel.
Its also always easier to talk to strangers. [This might explain all the time I spend on Omegle :P]
They don't know you well enough to judge. & you don't have to be afraid of consequences.
Though most of the people who read my stuff are people I personally know. The very awesome people in my life :D [as I write this, Vihan has called me thrice to correct my grammar & spelling in previously published posts. Thanks Vee :P]
But the point is, I needed a space. To express myself. & here it is :)
& maybe this should have been my first blog post. explaining what it is about. But I'm sorry, I'm slightly slow :$
Thanks for reading (:
Much love,
xoxo
I never have an answer for them.
I guess its because my blog if very much like me. Or like any other teenager.
We have thoughts & feelings & emotions & an opinion about EVERYTHING.
We're into music. We're into movies. We're into writing. & photography. & 10 thousand other things.
& my blog just shows all the things that I am & all the things that I do.
Well I'm not a brilliant writer. Though I score fairly well in my English exams at school. I do not use "flowery language" as Sammy puts it. I do not have a wide range of vocabulary & I don't use complex language. My blog is simple. The way I wish life could be.
So I don't have opinons about everything that is happening in the world. Hell, I don't even keep track. I do not have deep knowledge about any one field that I could possibly share with people up here.
Then you might wonder why I created a blog in first place.
Well I needed a place to rant. I could always express better when I wrote. & it is somehow easier if you can share what you have without other peoples opinions affecting what you feel.
Its also always easier to talk to strangers. [This might explain all the time I spend on Omegle :P]
They don't know you well enough to judge. & you don't have to be afraid of consequences.
Though most of the people who read my stuff are people I personally know. The very awesome people in my life :D [as I write this, Vihan has called me thrice to correct my grammar & spelling in previously published posts. Thanks Vee :P]
But the point is, I needed a space. To express myself. & here it is :)
& maybe this should have been my first blog post. explaining what it is about. But I'm sorry, I'm slightly slow :$
Thanks for reading (:
Much love,
xoxo
Which seat can I takeeeee?
http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/memes-friday-explained.jpg
Who ever thought that Friday had such deep meaning? XD
Who ever thought that Friday had such deep meaning? XD
Confessions of a discarded soul.
I guess I was 14 when it all started. When we first started having crushes & boyfriends, though it didn't matter much back then...
You think you like me, I think I like you. Everybody is all cool playing truth & dare all the time. They ask you who your crush is. You tell everyone its me. They ask me, I say its you.
We're kids. Stupid. Immature. But we get the butterflies && stare at each other in class. Sit next to each other. Hold hands under the table.
Its cute. Looking back, its highly stupid too. But cute, nonetheless.
Then we grow up. Insecurities increase. Guys lead you on but date the sluts you'd break their heart. You never get the guts to tell the girl you like that you like her & watch her date jackass after jackass.
But what hurts the most is being the best friend. The third wheel.
So my best friend & I spend all our time together. We're inseparable. We love each others company & we do almost everything together. But now. She gets a boyfriend. & I'm single. & she doesn't want me to feel like she has chosen him over me. So she drags me along everywhere & I have to sit & watch them do all their cheesy-couple-y things & just sit their awkwardly. Smiling at all the people who are giving me looks of pity.
Its kind of worse when your best friend is a guy. You're supposed to bond with his girlfriend even though you think she is a total bitch. & SO not worth your best friend. But you just have to deal with it. Take one for the team.
But it doesn't stop here.
if your best friend is a guy, his girlfriend will always ALWAYS be insecure of your relationship. She won't let him talk to you. She'll consume all his time. She will conveniently convince him into discarding you. Since she is there now. & she can totally replace you. Your best friend puts up a fight. He tells his girl that you're important. But we all know how that story ends. You're expected to 'understand'.
Way to go.
My reason of writing all this began a couple of months ago. One of my closest friends boyfriend deleted me off BBM. It wasn't something I'd notice. I barely ever spoke to him and I didn't really realize I didn't have him on my list until I saw his updates on another friends phone. Then it struck me that I don't have him on my list anymore.I didn't bother asking him why he'd deleted me. I didn't bother asking my friend. It wasn't something that bothered me enough to find out why it happened.
Last night 'the boyfriend' start speaking to me on facebook chat. I told him I was offended that he deleted me, just in the passing. This was about 5 months after I noticed he wasn't on my list. He told me it wasn't him who deleted me. It was my friend who did. He said that she thought we got very close at some party 6 months ago & they had a fight.
He then asked me for my pin. I asked him how he was allowed to add me back now. He said that he wasn't. But he'd just deal with whatever happened.
I didn't want to be the one causing fights between my friend & her boyfriend. Hell no. But I guess I'd prefer if my friend came & told me that she was insecure herself before doing things that make me feel that she thinks that I'm an untrustworthy slut who'd hit on her boyfriend.
& I think this isn't the only time this has happened.
There was this guy I dated. About two years ago. We used to be really good friends before we started going out. We lost touch after we broke up. Probably because I dumped him kinda badly but that is irrelevant :P
Last month, I ran into him. We exchanged phone numbers & he added me on BBM. That night we spoke for about 3 hours! Just catching up on things we'd missed.
The next day. The very next day. I spotted him on the road. I was in my car & couldn't stop & talk. So I looked for him on my BBM list. I couldn't find him. I thought it was some problem with my phone so I texted him. Saying I spotted him & that I couldn't find him on my BBM. He told me that his girlfriend deleted me because she was insecure. That was the last time we spoke.
Maybe posting this doesn't do the best for my reputation but I've never really cared about that :P It shows me to be the chick every girl is trying to save her boyfriend from. & I don't think that is something to be proud of. But I just think its stupid. To be so insecure. & that I honestly would never want to steal another chicks guy. I come from a broken family, I know what it must be like.
Also, I don't understand why I come off as the kind of person who'd be interested in other peoples boyfriends. Especially girlfriends of my ex boyfriends. Like honestly, girl. Keep him. Keep my sloppy seconds. I do not want them. That is the reason I left them in first place.
& this is not just for me. Or people who think that I'm going to take their boyfriend away. This is for all the chicks in the world who are insecure of this boyfriends ex girlfriends or best friends. Why don't you work on having a healthy relationship with your boyfriend to avoid him from leaving you rather than cutting him off the world to be with you?
Envy is a waste of time, dahlings. (:
There are so many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. - Oscar Wilde.
Much love<3
xoxo
You think you like me, I think I like you. Everybody is all cool playing truth & dare all the time. They ask you who your crush is. You tell everyone its me. They ask me, I say its you.
We're kids. Stupid. Immature. But we get the butterflies && stare at each other in class. Sit next to each other. Hold hands under the table.
Its cute. Looking back, its highly stupid too. But cute, nonetheless.
Then we grow up. Insecurities increase. Guys lead you on but date the sluts you'd break their heart. You never get the guts to tell the girl you like that you like her & watch her date jackass after jackass.
But what hurts the most is being the best friend. The third wheel.
So my best friend & I spend all our time together. We're inseparable. We love each others company & we do almost everything together. But now. She gets a boyfriend. & I'm single. & she doesn't want me to feel like she has chosen him over me. So she drags me along everywhere & I have to sit & watch them do all their cheesy-couple-y things & just sit their awkwardly. Smiling at all the people who are giving me looks of pity.
Its kind of worse when your best friend is a guy. You're supposed to bond with his girlfriend even though you think she is a total bitch. & SO not worth your best friend. But you just have to deal with it. Take one for the team.
But it doesn't stop here.
if your best friend is a guy, his girlfriend will always ALWAYS be insecure of your relationship. She won't let him talk to you. She'll consume all his time. She will conveniently convince him into discarding you. Since she is there now. & she can totally replace you. Your best friend puts up a fight. He tells his girl that you're important. But we all know how that story ends. You're expected to 'understand'.
Way to go.
My reason of writing all this began a couple of months ago. One of my closest friends boyfriend deleted me off BBM. It wasn't something I'd notice. I barely ever spoke to him and I didn't really realize I didn't have him on my list until I saw his updates on another friends phone. Then it struck me that I don't have him on my list anymore.I didn't bother asking him why he'd deleted me. I didn't bother asking my friend. It wasn't something that bothered me enough to find out why it happened.
Last night 'the boyfriend' start speaking to me on facebook chat. I told him I was offended that he deleted me, just in the passing. This was about 5 months after I noticed he wasn't on my list. He told me it wasn't him who deleted me. It was my friend who did. He said that she thought we got very close at some party 6 months ago & they had a fight.
He then asked me for my pin. I asked him how he was allowed to add me back now. He said that he wasn't. But he'd just deal with whatever happened.
I didn't want to be the one causing fights between my friend & her boyfriend. Hell no. But I guess I'd prefer if my friend came & told me that she was insecure herself before doing things that make me feel that she thinks that I'm an untrustworthy slut who'd hit on her boyfriend.
& I think this isn't the only time this has happened.
There was this guy I dated. About two years ago. We used to be really good friends before we started going out. We lost touch after we broke up. Probably because I dumped him kinda badly but that is irrelevant :P
Last month, I ran into him. We exchanged phone numbers & he added me on BBM. That night we spoke for about 3 hours! Just catching up on things we'd missed.
The next day. The very next day. I spotted him on the road. I was in my car & couldn't stop & talk. So I looked for him on my BBM list. I couldn't find him. I thought it was some problem with my phone so I texted him. Saying I spotted him & that I couldn't find him on my BBM. He told me that his girlfriend deleted me because she was insecure. That was the last time we spoke.
Maybe posting this doesn't do the best for my reputation but I've never really cared about that :P It shows me to be the chick every girl is trying to save her boyfriend from. & I don't think that is something to be proud of. But I just think its stupid. To be so insecure. & that I honestly would never want to steal another chicks guy. I come from a broken family, I know what it must be like.
Also, I don't understand why I come off as the kind of person who'd be interested in other peoples boyfriends. Especially girlfriends of my ex boyfriends. Like honestly, girl. Keep him. Keep my sloppy seconds. I do not want them. That is the reason I left them in first place.
& this is not just for me. Or people who think that I'm going to take their boyfriend away. This is for all the chicks in the world who are insecure of this boyfriends ex girlfriends or best friends. Why don't you work on having a healthy relationship with your boyfriend to avoid him from leaving you rather than cutting him off the world to be with you?
Envy is a waste of time, dahlings. (:
There are so many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. - Oscar Wilde.
Much love<3
xoxo
Monday, April 11, 2011
Curiosity.
They say we always want what we can't have. All my friends with curly hair want straight hair. The ones with straight hair want curly hair. The ones who are thin want to gain weight. The ones who are fat will do anything to loose weight. The ones who are in school want to go to college. The ones who are in college would kill to go back to school.
They also say that we only realise what we had after it has left has. Like one will miss their curly hair after straightening it. && the thin ones, now fat, wouldn't fit into their old clothes and want to loose weight again. && the ones in school crib about it all the time & cry about it in college.
Its how life works. You work so hard for something but then you realize you were happier with what you had.
But what causes this is curiosity. It kills the cat. && the dogs. && everyone else too.
everything you do in life is because you're curious.
You watch TV shows because you're curious to know how it'll end. You wish for things because you're curious to know how it'll feel once you have them. You live life because you're curious about what your future holds.
But, from personal experience, I can say that sometimes its just easier to let go. To let it be a cliffhanger. To not provide a neat, tied up ending. To just LET IT BE.
Because somethings just are better unknown. && what you don't know can't hurt you :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S : Dev. Wherever the fuck you are , I let go. The only reason I was even holding on was because I needed to know the truth. But you're such a horrible person that you disgust me :) && I'm better off not knowing about the filth that exists in the world.
So NO you will not decide what happens of us. && you will NOT come back when you feel like it. && you will not hurt me anymore.
I'm taking back my love :)
I'm letting it go.
Goodbye (:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Love,
NJ (:
They also say that we only realise what we had after it has left has. Like one will miss their curly hair after straightening it. && the thin ones, now fat, wouldn't fit into their old clothes and want to loose weight again. && the ones in school crib about it all the time & cry about it in college.
Its how life works. You work so hard for something but then you realize you were happier with what you had.
But what causes this is curiosity. It kills the cat. && the dogs. && everyone else too.
everything you do in life is because you're curious.
You watch TV shows because you're curious to know how it'll end. You wish for things because you're curious to know how it'll feel once you have them. You live life because you're curious about what your future holds.
But, from personal experience, I can say that sometimes its just easier to let go. To let it be a cliffhanger. To not provide a neat, tied up ending. To just LET IT BE.
Because somethings just are better unknown. && what you don't know can't hurt you :)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S : Dev. Wherever the fuck you are , I let go. The only reason I was even holding on was because I needed to know the truth. But you're such a horrible person that you disgust me :) && I'm better off not knowing about the filth that exists in the world.
So NO you will not decide what happens of us. && you will NOT come back when you feel like it. && you will not hurt me anymore.
I'm taking back my love :)
I'm letting it go.
Goodbye (:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Love,
NJ (:
There is nothing so devastating as lost love.
We were going home from my aunt's place. It was past midnight. But when you live in Mumbai, theres nothing like "too late". The city never sleeps.
It was a Sunday night and the streets were still full of life. We were passing the building where I lived for about thirteen years. My dad slowed the car. We usually meet people we know there, since we know almost everyone. So its like a tradition. Going slowly to just spot people we know.
As we slowed, I caught a glimpse of my friend. I could've have yelled her name. I could have waved. I could've even smiled. & she'd notice. But I just didn't try to grab her attention. I wasn't ignoring her or anything. It just didn't seem important enough.
Flashback.
28th March 2005.
I am in 5th grade. My mom is a teacher. She makes me go to school every day. I have 100% attendance. I am a straight A student. I am the teachers pet. But I can bunk school today. & I'm not sick. Nor did anyone in the family die. I can't believe my mom allowed this.
Allowed me to bunk school to go to water kingdom. I had been dancing all morning.
It was my bestfriends birthday. To make things easy lets call her P.
Her parents asked my mom if I could go to Water Kingdom with P & her family to celebrate her birthday and surprisingly my mom allowed.
Water Kingdom was the place to be back then and to say that I was excited would be an understatement.
I remember this so clearly because I caught some virus at Water Kingdom and got chicken pox and haven't since visited it.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we were best friends. I was the one friend she picked to spend her whole birthday with.
She was a year younger than me. && we didn't go to the same school. But lived in the same building & after school, we were inseparable. We were the 'cool kids'. The oldest also. We bossed over everyone. We were a team. Always.
Flash forward.
After passing my 'old building' or so to say. I plugged in my headphones, that I had momentarily disconnected in search of a known face, and blasted my music. The impact of what just happened didn't exist. I barely noticed I did something that I might regret.
Flash back.
May 2009.
My dad calls. I'm at home watching TV. I groan as I answer the phone. "Yes daddy, what now?" He sounds worried. He asks me to go to my old building. Right NOW. He isn't worried. Concerned. Yes. Why? I ask him. He tells me P's mom passed away. I don't believe it. I tell him it can't be true. Did he say grandmom? I never liked her grandmom much. No, dad says. Her mom. & I want you to go there & be there for her.
I rush out of home. Explaining to mom in a few sentences. She gets it. She says she'll be there in a bit too. I don't bother listening to what she says after that.
My mind is blocked till the time I get there. I reach her house. We don't talk that much anymore. Will she even want me there? I see another close friend of mine. I ask her how things are. She tells me we should go to P. I quietly follow.
We enter P's house. The corpse is still there. It will be moved in the morning. P's sitting there. Looking at her mom. Her mom is in a place far far away. P looks like she is too. I remember brief instances from our childhood. P was the apple of her moms eye. Her pretty && talented daughter. P was always embarrassed of her mom showing her off in public. It was cute. When P & I lost touch, her mom told us to stick together. Reminded us of what we had. She cared about P. && she cared about me because I was so important to P.
I felt something hollow in my stomach. Like suddenly some organ disappeared and was filled with just empty space. My friend sat down. Leaving some space between P & her. I took the sign & took that space. P didn't seem to notice I was there. She didn't seem to notice the half a dozen people in the room. Or the tears slowly flowing from her eyes to the floor in an abrupt stream. I put my arm around her and wept. For her loss. For mine.
Flash forward.
Present day.
You'd think someone who you've had so many memories with. Who has kept every secret. Believed every lie. Supported you even when you couldn't support yourself. That someone would stay forever.
But sometimes things don't turn out as planned. The friendship bracelets & the promise of 3rd grade is forgotten. You grow up. You also grow apart. & that is not just how life is, its how you choose it to be.
I could've stayed it touch. So could she. We could've made our friendship work. But we had distractions. Our friendship wasn't necessary. We were easily replaced.
She is someone I used to know. & now, even if we try to catch up, it can't replace the time lost.
I know If I need someone, she'd be there for me. But will I want her there?
Today, I could've gotten off the car && hugged her. Something that would seem the most obvious thing to do to the 10 year old me. But the 17 year old me is different. & the 17 year old me doesn't care. & sometimes I feel like going back in time because I don't know the 17 year old me myself...
More to come :)
xoxo
It was a Sunday night and the streets were still full of life. We were passing the building where I lived for about thirteen years. My dad slowed the car. We usually meet people we know there, since we know almost everyone. So its like a tradition. Going slowly to just spot people we know.
As we slowed, I caught a glimpse of my friend. I could've have yelled her name. I could have waved. I could've even smiled. & she'd notice. But I just didn't try to grab her attention. I wasn't ignoring her or anything. It just didn't seem important enough.
Flashback.
28th March 2005.
I am in 5th grade. My mom is a teacher. She makes me go to school every day. I have 100% attendance. I am a straight A student. I am the teachers pet. But I can bunk school today. & I'm not sick. Nor did anyone in the family die. I can't believe my mom allowed this.
Allowed me to bunk school to go to water kingdom. I had been dancing all morning.
It was my bestfriends birthday. To make things easy lets call her P.
Her parents asked my mom if I could go to Water Kingdom with P & her family to celebrate her birthday and surprisingly my mom allowed.
Water Kingdom was the place to be back then and to say that I was excited would be an understatement.
I remember this so clearly because I caught some virus at Water Kingdom and got chicken pox and haven't since visited it.
But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we were best friends. I was the one friend she picked to spend her whole birthday with.
She was a year younger than me. && we didn't go to the same school. But lived in the same building & after school, we were inseparable. We were the 'cool kids'. The oldest also. We bossed over everyone. We were a team. Always.
Flash forward.
After passing my 'old building' or so to say. I plugged in my headphones, that I had momentarily disconnected in search of a known face, and blasted my music. The impact of what just happened didn't exist. I barely noticed I did something that I might regret.
Flash back.
May 2009.
My dad calls. I'm at home watching TV. I groan as I answer the phone. "Yes daddy, what now?" He sounds worried. He asks me to go to my old building. Right NOW. He isn't worried. Concerned. Yes. Why? I ask him. He tells me P's mom passed away. I don't believe it. I tell him it can't be true. Did he say grandmom? I never liked her grandmom much. No, dad says. Her mom. & I want you to go there & be there for her.
I rush out of home. Explaining to mom in a few sentences. She gets it. She says she'll be there in a bit too. I don't bother listening to what she says after that.
My mind is blocked till the time I get there. I reach her house. We don't talk that much anymore. Will she even want me there? I see another close friend of mine. I ask her how things are. She tells me we should go to P. I quietly follow.
We enter P's house. The corpse is still there. It will be moved in the morning. P's sitting there. Looking at her mom. Her mom is in a place far far away. P looks like she is too. I remember brief instances from our childhood. P was the apple of her moms eye. Her pretty && talented daughter. P was always embarrassed of her mom showing her off in public. It was cute. When P & I lost touch, her mom told us to stick together. Reminded us of what we had. She cared about P. && she cared about me because I was so important to P.
I felt something hollow in my stomach. Like suddenly some organ disappeared and was filled with just empty space. My friend sat down. Leaving some space between P & her. I took the sign & took that space. P didn't seem to notice I was there. She didn't seem to notice the half a dozen people in the room. Or the tears slowly flowing from her eyes to the floor in an abrupt stream. I put my arm around her and wept. For her loss. For mine.
Flash forward.
Present day.
You'd think someone who you've had so many memories with. Who has kept every secret. Believed every lie. Supported you even when you couldn't support yourself. That someone would stay forever.
But sometimes things don't turn out as planned. The friendship bracelets & the promise of 3rd grade is forgotten. You grow up. You also grow apart. & that is not just how life is, its how you choose it to be.
I could've stayed it touch. So could she. We could've made our friendship work. But we had distractions. Our friendship wasn't necessary. We were easily replaced.
She is someone I used to know. & now, even if we try to catch up, it can't replace the time lost.
I know If I need someone, she'd be there for me. But will I want her there?
Today, I could've gotten off the car && hugged her. Something that would seem the most obvious thing to do to the 10 year old me. But the 17 year old me is different. & the 17 year old me doesn't care. & sometimes I feel like going back in time because I don't know the 17 year old me myself...
More to come :)
xoxo
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