She's a little ball of joy when she's happy she makes sure everyone around her is happy
Sucks that she isn't happy very often

im so fucking high and all i can think about is you. well fuck you.

And he's back

Who would have thought that me out of all people would have trouble fitting in. But moving and starting over at the bottom isn't easy. 2/10 would not recommend.

You only hate him because you don't have him. Because hating him is easier then admitting he hurt you, that he got away, and you'd do anything not to hurt.

Happy Fucking Birthday, Dumbass. Have a great day.

The end.

So I'm on my way back from LA. I haven't talked about Dev in a while. Not just on my blog but to people too. Because I knew how ridiculous it all was. It made me seem extremely stupid for talking to him when I was in California and he was still not around. But I had faith in him. I admit that I'm not the brightest crayon in the box but I'm not that stupid or gullible. I knew he was lying bout everything. I had proof that he was lying. But I always felt like even though the facts were all lies his feelings for me were always true. And that, when time came, he would come clean because that's how important I was to him. Well, I guess I was wrong.
So apparently he was in New York the past month and he was flying to LA the day I got there. We spoke right before he got on the plane. He told me it was flight aa 119. The lengths this boy goes to to lie. He was going to call me when he landed. We were finally going to see each other.
Well, I don't think it's a surprise that he didn't show. It would be unexpected if he did. But I've always had hope. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I don't even blame anyone. Or regret anything. Everyone I know told me stop talking to him. Multiple times. And I didn't listen. I'd fight with him and tell him to be real and he'd be like 'leave if you don't believe me' and I didn't. I stayed. Because I trusted what we had. Even though it was completely based on lies, it was the most real relationship I've had.
This was no ones fault but mine. Things would have been very different if not for Dev. I would be a different person. I probably wouldn't even have this blog. I'm pretty sure I started it when I was with him.
Real or not, he was always someone who believed in me. Who made me feel special. Who made me feel like I was needed. That his life would suck without me. The illusion of someone as perfect as him wanting to be with someone like me was flattering.
But it does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live. Albus Dumbledore taught me that. So I am done. And this time, for real. I've done everything I possibly could. Pushed this as far as it could go. There is nothing left here. He's never going to be able to explain why he couldn't see me yesterday. No excuse will be convincing enough. And I'm never going to be able to forget how he's making me feel right now.
Imagine finding out that you mean nothing to the most important person in your life. The person you moved to an entire different for. (I'm not saying that was the only reason why I moved. But he was definitely a huge part of the reason)
So basically I'm broken right now. But that's a good thing. Because now I'm going to start picking up the pieces and move on. Try to be happy without Dev Morison. Three years is a long time. I grew up with him. And he stuck through all the good and bad times. Especially the bad. I can't imagine what would happen if he wasn't around. And I wish so bad that I didn't have to go on without him. But I do.
This is probably the biggest change in my life. Bigger than moving to this country. Not having dev to fall back on on a bad day. But I'm gonna try really hard. To make it. But I know that somewhere inside me I'll always be hoping to find him. To find my happy ever after.

So life in the US isn't at all what I expected to be. I always thought those stereotypes they showed in the movies didn't really exist. But they do. It's appalling. I mean, in India you could be on the soccer team and be a nerd and like to party all at the same time but it's not like that here. You can do things but at the end all the soccer dudes are friends with the soccer dudes and the Asians only hang out with the Asians and its hard to find a place when you're not hella good at something. Or if you want friends who like to do different things at different times. This isn't high school musical. You stick to the status quo. Which is confusing if you don't know what the status quo is.

Getting by

You know how in mean girls when Janice is telling Cady about the different tables. I'd be the one on desperate wannabees. I guess that's where everyone starts. But I'm not used to this. This might sound obnoxious but I was always the popular kid. I've never been used to people not knowing me. Let alone multilingual smart asses from across the world. And this hasn't been easy. Meeting new people is not as fun as these social people make it sound. It's hard work. Especially when you don't know where these people come from. What they term as annoying or cool. What their culture allows and what mine doesn't and vice versa.
I'd like to think I have friends here but this is different. And different takes a while to be good.
The only thing that keeps me going is that I chose this. I made a decision to come here and at one point I wanted this so bad and now it's happening and I'm here and I have to get through my insecurities and try to do the best I can at the very least.

This happens to me every now and then and I don't know I'd it's one of those things that you think just happen to you but then you go on the Internet and there's a Facebook page about it.
So yeah. Sometimes I really want to make conversation with someone and I know they want to talk to me (I guess :3) and you know that they're not dumb enough to not be able to hold a conversation but it just doesn't happen for some reason. Like you're both making attempts but you're all talked out and you don't know what to say that sounds effortless or whatever.
Anyway, I have two articles due for the school newspaper in 5 hours so I shouldn't be blogging. Xoxo

And I miss these faggots and stoning sessions. Jhun also :(

Being insightful while doing my laundry.

I wanted to move as far away from home as possible because I was tired of living how people wanted me to. I mean, life wasn't bad. Looking at it now it was pretty great actually. But we find flaws in everything. So I did.
I wanted to be independent. Show that I can make it on my own. I dont know what I was expecting but there is nothing empowering about doing my own laundry.
Yes I feel more responsible and independent but being an adult in a foreign country isnt rainbows and butterflies. Damn those Yash raj movies where everyone is always happy and singing in the middle of the street.
Update is, I still haven't found a place to live. My birthday is in 5 days and I have absolutely no plans. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm homeless. I have two articles for the school newspaper due Monday and Citibank messed with my account so my card won't work.
And I did my own laundry.
Every time I feel tired or sad I keep reminding myself that I'm exactly where I've always wanted to be. And too many people have worked quite hard to get me where I am. Especially my father. And a lot of people are counting on me. And knowing that keeps me from giving up. I'm going to make it. Cuz for the first time, I actually believe in myself.

Did you colour your hair?

NO.

I have literally lost count of how many times I've been asked this question. Or been told "Before I knew you I always thought you coloured your hair."
Really bitch, really? You've been going to the same school as me for 5 years. Seen my hair be brown for 5 years and now you decide to ask me whether I coloured my hair in 7th grade and kept it that way all this while?
Its really hard being a brunette in India. And most of the brunettes I know in India, usually have light eyes. So I guess the concept is, if you have light eyes you're a legit brunette. Otherwise you're not.
So this post has absolutely no point. None at all. Just to let people know that yes, I do naturally have brown hair. No, my parents do have brown hair. I don't know why I have brown hair. Yes, I am Indian. No, I've never lived anywhere but India. I'm sorry my hair isn't black but thats just how it is. You get gorgeous black hair and I'm stuck with a poop coloured mane.

The little things.

Lately, I've been happy. Really happy. I guess thats why I haven't been posting too much. I've realised I only write when I'm sad. Well you figure why I'm writing now then, I guess.
I should probably begin with why I'm so happy.
I realise that I'm not going to be in the country for much longer (my I20 has STILL not arrived and my visa could always be declined but lets hope for the best) and I am in the phase where I'm feeling like I'm going to miss everyone and everything so much. And so I've just started to appreciate the little things. Things that I probably spent years complaining about. I'm going to miss rickshaws and pani puri and bum showers and hindi gaalis. I'm gonna miss my friends. And my family. And annoying people who I wish didn't exist.
So basically, I've just been grateful for the all the things I have. I spend way too much tie concentrating on what I don't have. For once, I was concentrating on what I do.
But well after working for 15 hours and being exhausted as fuck I wanted to cry so bad I just didn't have a reason to. So I went fishing for some. And if you're trying to be sad, you'll always find something to be sad about.
That is another thing that I realised. That I go looking for sadness. When things are going right, I get scared that if I get too happy it will jinx it and something bad will happen.
I'm just a pessimist overall. Which I was fine with. Having no expectations results in dealing with no disappointments was like my mantra.
But I've realised, I do care. I do hope for the best. And I am disappointed more often then not.
I don't know the purpose of this rant. I guess I spend so much time thinking about who is prettier, smarter or funnier than me that I forget to appreciate myself. My self esteem is as low as it could possibly be. And that kinda sucks. So I've decided, that I'm going to stop comparing myself to other people for starters. Its unhealthy and retarded. I am going to appreciate what I have instead of whining about what I don't.
I will probably never understand the pain of the starving kids in Africa but I know that I have it easier than them even though I can't buy the brilliant Steve Maddens I found online because $80 is a ridiculous price for shipping.
So here's to appreciating things. The little ones. Like my bum shower.

Blegh.

Hello. I'm really high right now so pardon the insightfulness. Or actually, I realised, I'm always insightful on my blog. So don't.
But here goes.
Do you ever feel like you're doing nothing? Going no where with life? Just wasting away your time? Cuz I do. And I don't mean that I'm not spreading world peace or helping the starving kids in Africa. This is not one of those "What am I doing to make the world we live in a better place?" moments. Its more of "I wake up at 3 i the afternoon, sit in bed all day and eat ice-cream" kinda moments. Okay I lied. I woke up at 6 in the evening. Which is TOO late. Even according to my standards. And I haven't left my house in 3 days. I literally just sleep in bed, earn points on Pottermore, blog, read and eat. And its getting to me. Even going out for a movie or chilling with people would be DOING SOMETHING. But here I am, checking when all my shows come off hiatus so I have something to look forward to.
I already promised I'd volunteer at riding school for some of the camps. And those camps are a week long every now and then until June. And I'm stuck at home between those camps and I can't even join some sort of classes cuz I won't be in town long enough to finish a course.
So if anyone has any ideas of what I can do with all this time I have free, please feel free to message me. I feel so worthless and lazy its terrifying. So thats it for now. TA

What if, what if what they say is true? What if there in just one person for you out there. Your soulmate. Or whatever. & what if you're mine? What if we've ruined everything? What if I never find love because I let go of it when I had it. Because I wasn't patient enough? Didn't have enough hope or faith in our love. What if I end up with 20 cats? Cats aren't even very nice. What if, what if in the back of my mind I'm thinking about you on my wedding day. What if you're the one? And there is only one person for each one of us out there? What if I loose you forever? What if one day I need to talk to you and I unblock you and you're not there. What if you need me and try to get to me and find out that I died of tuberculosis or something? What if we lost the thing that people write books about. What if? What if we regret this our entire life? Should I just live with a lie? How is it possible to hate someone so much and still love them to death? What if I'm over-thinking? What if you're the love of my life, but I'm not yours. Why else would you lie, right? Sould I just go away? Should I stay? I don't know what to do anymore.

i hate you.

I once had this friend. He would never admit it but I know I read my blog. He knew every story. When I'd posted it. Everything.
We don't talk anymore. But somewhere I hope he still reads this. Because I wanna let him know how horrible he has made me feel. He turned his back on me. I mean no wonder he chose her, she is so pretty and perfect. And maybe I deserved what I got. But it doesn't feel nice. To be replaced. To be forgotten. To think I was so easy to let go of.
Thanks for making me feel like crap. Okaybye.