Dobre

I know all you TFIOS fans might hate this post but I really dislike the word okay. It is too ambiguous. There's good and there's bad. Okay defines the grey area that you can never quite decipher.  Okay almost has as much versatility as the word 'Fuck'. It's okay never really means it's okay. And can we talk about okay being the biggest conversation killer of all time?

That's one thing I like about Czech. They have dobre which means good. They use it as a synonym for okay but even when being sarcastically used the word doesn't cause too much trouble. Okay is too mediocre a word. It isn't very expressive but it's widely used. I want to do away with okay. Fairly impossible dreams.

when i was breaking down all i wanted was for you to hold me. but you kept screaming back. 

at least it's a beautiful place to be sad

The Clique

Often, I can't help but wonder what the bare base of a friendship consists of. Are your friends the people who you choose to be friends with or are they the people you're stuck with due to of the irony of circumstance?

Everyone sometimes feels like they have the best friends in the world. Everyone sometimes also feels like they have no friends at all.

Friendship is an odd concept. Personally, my friendship group is quite a diverse field of individuals. Their differences range from the basic race, color, age, nationality and gender to more complex things. The 'level' you talk about when you say "she's on another level, man."

Where is the checklist of qualities you need in a friend? What is the similarity among these people that causes you to, as more popularly known, 'click' with them. What is this click one speaks of? Where does it come from? Is it the mind or the body or the environment that ignites the craving to be around these people. Or forces you into it and you're left with no choice. 

Is there people you need in your life? Are there people who need you in theirs? However briefly you might appear and however inconsequential you may think that appearance was, "our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch."

Is this bond too complex to be able to completely grasp unless you're Buddha or some shit?

Is it to brave to question it? Keeping in mind that curiosity did kill the cat. And those curious bitches always die in the scary movies.

Maybe you should pay a little more attention and figure out the mechanical functioning of this click. Maybe some things are unexplainable by science and we should just leave them be. Overthinking rarely ever helps. But it's the curse of being a blogger. Analyzing life like its a game. Trying to master the quirks of living a fulfilling life. A life that's mere existence depends largely on this 'click.'

Don't drag your feet

So remember as a kid your parents told you not to drag your feet and walk properly when you were gliding through the mall? Well I remembered that and was having a deep insightful awakening, but I'll get to that in just a minute.

I did some research to find out why we shouldn't drag our feet and there were two related reasons that I found. One is that if you're dragging your feet you might have some sort of muscle issue and your parents need to know whether you're dragging your feet by choice or because something is wrong. The second is that when you're young your muscles need exercise they're and new and dandy and need to go through some wear and tear and during that period if you don't move them enough then it won't be able to take it when you're older. That's why old people drag their feet muscles giving up. 

Personally I don't see anything in dragging ones feet on all draggable surfaces.

Getting to the spiritual bit of it. If there is one piece of advice I can give to you is don drag your feet. Always lift them up and put them down. And do that with everything you do and life will be a lot easier. You don't have to worry about the past catching up to you if you have no loose ends in your past. Don't ignore that friend you called you 6 times that day and then miss them the next week and expect them to be there. Don't not turn in assignments hoping the teacher won't notice. Don't procrastinate. And if you do, know where to draw the line. You get one life and there's not enough time to keep slacking off.

My skin hates me

I've never been one of those people with flawless skin. I've always struggled with acne. But I always thought it was puberty and that I'll be fine. It isn't so bad now but my skin isn't even close to being my best asset.
A couple months ago, when I was in the US, my skin started flaking. Ordinarily, I wouldn't even notice something wrong with my skin unless it was either strikingly evident or irritating. This was both. I dealt with chronic itching and wanted to bathe 4 times a day. Which was very hard considering I had roommates. I went to the school health centre and they diagnosed it as  pityriasis rosea. They said it was an allergy to the Spring weather. I was given something to bathe with everyday and it was supposed to help. It didn't.
I came back and went to see a dermatologist and he diagnosed it as psoriasis. If you don't know what it is and are going to google it, be warned, it isn't pretty. I feel slightly fortunate when I check it on the internet because my skin isn't THAT bad. But it is pretty goddamn awful. I have skin flaking on my legs, on my back, on my torso, on my hands, even my scalp. People usually have one of these regions affected. Everytime I run my fingers through my hair, flakes fall off like a fucking snowstorm. The medicine is sticky and needs to be applied on all the affected areas twice a day. It takes about 20 minutes to put on and then dealing with being sticky all the time. And if I miss one day of medication, it gets worse again.
The waxing lady refused to wax me, I haven't worn shorts in 4 months, everything I clean is covered in dust that is actually my flaked skin the next morning. I feel ugly.
Psoriasis is a lifelong condition which can be controlled but has no cure. It is genetically transferred but is brought on due to stress.
My skin feels gross. I hate my body right now. 

Karma

Today I needed to take a rickshaw for a very short distance. Usually, I'd walk, but the muck. That rhymed. A little.

Anyway, so I told the rickshaw guy to go to D Mart and I live like 2 buildings away from D Mart. Actually, like one. I like to use the word 'like' everywhere like a standard American. Anyway, so the rick guy was a little douchebag because he firstly tried to get me off at Infinity 2, which is like before D Mart cuz he'd get other customers there and I was like nopE so he went till D Mart and I'm like "thoda aagey" and he took it literally thoda aagey and parked. I was in the good mood so I didn't bother arguing and just got off. Walking is good exercise anyway. And I take revenge by not giving the rickshaw wallas exact change. Karma. So he scuttled around for change and someone asked him to go to the Check Naka. Which is the north end of Bombay. And this new customer seemed like a total ass. He's all "Direct check naka bhaga ab." And I could see the agony on my rickshaw guys face.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you

In that moment, possibly because I was Under The Influence, I noticed Karma. He was a dick to me, now he had to deal with someone else being a dick. And that someone else probably has a wife who beats him. I realized that even in the smallest forms, there is balance in the world. Maybe it's not very well balanced. Maybe it is. If you took a persons every act and compared it the good and bad they received from the world, you'd probably break even. Maybe you can try it by doing a lot of good and seeing what happens. Or doing a lot of bad, if you're into that shit. Trust the world a little. It's been around for a long time and knows what it's doing. It isn't your job to save it. That doesn't mean you don't care or try. But don't be so hard on yourself. Let go and let karma take care of things that are hurting you.

"No matter how good things are, there will always be solitary nights you spend in your bedroom or car or in a party full of your closest friends when it feels like the walls are caving in." - Dan Campbell

Rain

I was in the rickshaw today and it was raining. I don't mind the rain as long as I'm indoors, warm and comfortable. I don't want to deal with the muck or the traffic or just being wet in general. So I was sitting there updating a bitchy bbm status and I saw these kids on the side of the street, just chilling. They were drenched. They weren't like dancing in the rain like a bollywood movie. Just standing, probably waiting for someone. But they didn't look particularly sad.
And then my rickshaw guy broke my spiritual brainstorming and started explaining the perks of taking the backroad.
I told him to do whatever he likes because even though I respect the kids for not hating the rain, I wasn't particularly pleased with the weather.
Then I saw this man, cleaning some kind of cloth in a puddle. On the street. For cleaning. And I remembered how I just told my dad we should probably buy a new washing machine. And hopefully a dryer cuz the rain.
Then I saw some woman making plastic doors for her house on the pavement.

It's unfair to say you can't be sad because someone else has it worse. I know it's as redundant as saying you can't be happy because someone has it better.
But I guess that's where perception comes to play. The way I look at children in the rain or what I think about a tumblr quote might be completely different from how my best friend sees it.
I just think that seeing things like that makes you humble, and grateful, and appreciative. It doesn't mean that you have to force yourself to be happy. Or to like the rain.

Moment of the day I guess

So I had a really long day today and it was pretty crappy cuz I really don't like the muck and traffic and wetness that rain brings. I like it when I'm indoors. When I can hear it outside. And feel grateful for warmth and lack of moisture.
So I was home and I was stalking my girlfriend's blog and I saw some posts and I knew they were about me. I mean she claims to be in love with me, we're in a legitimate relationship. It isn't likely she is reblogging cheesy posts with someone else in mind. So yes, I saw posts. And it just made me so happy that I get an insight into how she feels about me through mass produced text posts cuz she isn't much of a talker. Plus tumblr describes a lot of stuff very beautifully. And then I reblogged stuff form her blog. Which is cool because it shows how we have the same kinda feels for each other and I'm just really happy. So yay. 

For the first time, the tears won't come as easily. And I find myself begging to feel the pain.

it's funny how certain things trigger memories. like, songs, smells, stuff like that. some make you sad and some capture you in a momentary deja vu. you can just close your eyes and you are then captured in the past.

Mending things

So today something spilled on my dressing table. Being the want-to-pee-but-too-lazy-to-move person that I am, I left the cleaning up to evaporation. A couple of hours later it still hadn't dried up. Turns out it was soap water from the bubble maker we won at Timezone the other day. So well, I decided to clean up. And I grabbed some toilet paper from my bathroom and started soaking it up. Then I felt slightly guilty for using paper because it would hurt the environment. Then I figured the alternative would be cloth. I find rags used for cleaning repulsively disgusting. I feel like if it was used to clean up a mess, it is infiltrated and should be thrown away. Then that obviously led to my deeper spiritual awakening where I realised that I do this all the time. When something is broken, I don't try to fix it. I try to throw it away. Or worse, let it stay broken right there. And it just causes me to find one more reason to end this pity party I'm throwing for myself. Maybe life is hard. Maybe it isn't hard for everyone, or maybe it is. Everyone is fighting their own battle and all that. But I can't sit here blaming circumstance and the mistakes I made in the past to hold from doing shit now. Like I'm so sick of giving excuses for myself, I need to stop disappointing myself. And then maybe I will stop disappointing everyone around me.  

I'm too young to be this tired

do you ever wanna run away?

"For some, they think letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend to fail. Not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other wasn't being loved enough."

Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people.

I'm a hoarder. I have trouble letting go. I hold on to rusted medals and broken trophies and torn clothes and books once drenched in coffee. I never quite figured why until I started letting go. Of simple materialistic pleasures. The shirt that I bought two years ago and never wore and the books from last semester. I hold on to them not because of their value today, but because of the memories it might bring back years from now. Old movie tickets and erasers we once won at timezone. All those things that bring about bittersweet nostalgia.

The most beautiful people are the ones that can never be figured out. The ones you could talk with for hours and still have a million things to ask. The people who have minds so lovely and special you can't help but fall in love with them.

i just wanna spend a lot of time with my girlfriend, lay in bed and die

I'll die happy if I can be half the person she is.

Nothing could be darker or bleaker than just sitting with nothing to do and millions of endless hours in which to do it.

Mriya

This person has nagged me for a post forever and I just haven't gotten to it. Not because she's not important heck she's the only person whose been on my top 5 people list for 3 years consecutively. But with her I don't know where to start and where to end. I don't even remember life before I met her. She's just as far from being perfect as I am. And knowing this we are just comfortable judgmental assholes. We know what really matters, food, tumblr and Internet fame. And we have all three so we're literally celebrities in our minds. We're potatoes and we're so lazy idk how we ever manage to get out of bed to hang out but it works. She is just my best fucken friend and we like to have company while we hate on how dumb the world is. She's just too big a part of my life to be put into text posts. I write about things. About feelings. About deeper meanings. But our friendship is just so simple. but its not a thing. its like a feeling. i feel her, literally. not not literally. We have had our fare share of drama but we're just so in sync that our friendship has always been the thing you can run to from bad things. We're both awkward as fuck so we can do much to be comforting but we are together on a more spiritual level.
Voldemophobia is a huge fucken part of my life and we're partners there. We're like Brennan and booth. Like Shawn and Gus. Like shaggy and scooby. Like jack and Alex. Lets face it 60% of the reason we're friends is our unconditional love for ATL.
I just really look forward to seeing you and being everyday best friends again cuz I've really really missed you.

Moment of the day

Okay so this isn't today's moment it happened a couple of days ago but still
So my friend likes my friend Sergio and he likes her back and we've all been acting like love gurus and they went on their first date and we were all so excited but we like picking on them cuz Sergio's only in high school ad Khadija graduated high school early so she like just turned 18 so we were like be back by like 7pm latest don't mess with my girl/boy mister/me.

They came back hand in hand and it was so cute I could gag. So we obviously being the high motherfuckers we are day them down and decided to give them the talk. Found a condom and asked Sergio to cover it. I'm like we're older and wiser so listen to me and Sergio's like Noopur you haven't even had sex yet and it was just the funniest fucking conversation ever. Saumil was recording it and shiva was going into gruesome care advice and I fucking just love my life and friends right now. It's just such a content feeling that I'm with such wonderful people in such a beautiful world and all that I want to fucking convert to Buddhism

Simplicity

I've been stressed lately. I'm going back to India, and there is a lot of things I need to take care of before I go. Bills need to be paid, furniture needs to be moved, roommates needed to be found. And that was my biggest concern. Finding roommates. I couldn't leave without finding someone to replace me and I have at least 40 weird emails from people off craigslist. For those of you have haven't ever used craigslist. It's a very dark and ghetto place, don't wander there unless you absolutely NEED to.
I short listed people and got a few who sounded decent to come see the house and I was pretty disappointed. So basically I was leaving in 4 days, hadn't found a person to take my place, was broke as fuck because I was stupid enough to trust someone with my money, and very very high and just constantly stressed.
Well, yesterday a couple came in to see the house. And everything worked out so perfectly that we smoked a joint together to seal the deal. And I took that famous sigh of relief. And I've honestly never felt this good. And then it suddenly became funny to me. I was so worked up over something that didn't need it at all. It wouldn't be the end of the world even if I didn't find someone. Or if I found a weirdo. And it all worked out so well that we didn't even have to go with a weirdo. And the simplicity of solutions that our problems have just amazed me.
I've never had any responsibilities, so I've never had to deal with stuff like this. It's the big world out here and there is 37658 things you need to take care of just to exist. And I feel absolutely great when I take care of some of those things because I feel like I'm not a complete dependent failure.
So basically, I finally feel better. And I'm going back home in 4 fucken days and IM SO EXCITED

Moment of the day - how being just me is okay

Okay so it's my best friend in the USA Tiffany's birthday. She was quite down and we had no plans and I was broke because I used the last of my money on a beautiful purse that I just HAD to get. So anyway I couldn't give her any money happiness so Saumil and Adham came up with the idea to drive Saumil's truck to a vista point where you can see the whole of San Francisco from and chill in the back of the truck with our blankets and a joint and we were on our way there and I was thinking about how excited I'm to do perfectly normal things back home and it made me homesick to a point where I felt physically nauseous and it sucks but I'm going back soon and it made me happy that I have something to miss its amazing that I have so many people and places and things I love halfway across the world and that is a beautiful thing

Moment of the day - Strawberries are awesome

My friend Saumil works for his uncle and they regularly smoke together. Tiffany is invited too, sometimes. But I'd never met Saumil's uncle so I wasn't. Today, I was. So I met this uncle who is 42 years old, is a professional chef like with certificates and awards and million dollar contacts and buys weed by the kilo. So basically he has food and weed two basic needs of an average college student in california ...so yes, we chilled with him. And it was a very fun evening and I'd go into the depths of that but thats not a moment. so I'm going to stick to the point. I was very high cuz his joints were humungous and i was like asdfghjkl and i ate a 1 ounce cookie and i was pretty fucked and I was on the verge of a very bad trip and Saumil's uncle asked if I wanted anything to eat and then said they have everything because we were in the back of his restaurant. So he offered strawberries and oh my god it immediately made everything so much brighter. so there I was sitting, eating my strawberries. And honestly, I've never been happier.

Moment of the day

So my friend Saumil likes my friend Tiffany and Tiffany doesn't like him back but they're like best friends and there's constant drama going on because of these feelings
So today we were at Quicky's and if you've ever been to Quicky's you understand when I say that they take FOREVER to get your order to you. So we're sitting there and Saumil and Tiffany aren't talking and no ones talkin and we're just sitting in silence and then Saumil pulls out a lighter and Tiffany is like "can I have my lighter back?" And he like throws it to her and he'd be acting like a dick in general but he's a nice guy he's just hurting and that's his way of coping. So yeah he throws it and they start arguing about the fucking lighter and it somehow leads to Tiffany telling Saumil he's smoking too much and I'm just being pulled in every now and then by either one of them to back them up but I'm just sitting there and then one thing leads to another and Tiffany just dramatically gets up to get her food and Saumil dramatically gets up and exist out the door. Then he realizes he forgot his jacket so he comes back to grab it and in the process of being dramatic an angry he drops the fucking chair and then has to pick it up and I'm just sitting there an I can't hold it anymore and I just laugh. Laugh at how ridiculous every stupid thing we get worked up over is. Laugh at how messed up and complicated relationships can get. Laugh about it because laughing just makes things easier.

Moment of the day

okay so this may seem completely irrelevant but this made me happy so well

so my friends and i were going for lunch and we were craving quiznos and once we got there we saw this little asian salon with like $20 haircuts and i was complaining, just the other day, about how my head feels too heavy and i need to go bald and my friend tiffany was like you just need a haircut. so anyway i was like yay haircut and shes like im turning 21 next week and i have to go to a wedding this weekend i want a haircut too. ive NEVER trusted a random person with my hair EVER. like i went to the same salons for years back home. maybe switched and switched back but the same like 6 salons with the same stylists. anyway so we let asian women [not being racist i swear just stereotyping] cut our hair and i swear to god my head felt like a fucking cloud i loved it. 

tiffany' hair is shorter on one side but i guess it was worth it

oh and also i went shopping today and i was a little high so i felt very in control and i needed to buy a book bag because school starts tomorrow and i fell in love with this steve madden bag and that is probably the most ive ever spent on a bag but the shopaholic glory is totally worth it

Moment of the day

Okay so I know I didn't post one yesterday but I can't force myself to blog it should be inspired so don't judge yes I procrastinate
Okay so today we smoked a joint on the Golden Gate Bridge and lived the fucking California dream and then we were in the car going towards the bay bridge and my friend Tiffany's boy Irving called. Now Irving and Tiffany would totally be dating If he didn't live 4 hours away. So he calls and he's like "I'm in San Francisco! Come see me!" And she's like "no way I'm in San Francisco too!" So we made plans to meet and Tiffany was so excited she lost her voice and so I decided we should roll our windows down and scream "MERRY CHRISTMAS" at random strangers. Some even yelled back. And then we wanted to to pee so we went to a gas station which directed us to a 24/7 laundromat for a bathroom and we sweet talked the laundromat guy to let us pee and he even gave us a brand new roll of toilet paper. Now we're on our way to City Nights. My favorite club in San Francisco. The last time I went it happened to be gay night and I got hit on by a lesbian. Good times.

Moment of the day

Okay today I was with Safeway with too of my roommates and we were walking out and I just felt this profound moment. We were a bunch of college kids in our pajamas and flip flops walking out of Safeway with our groceries that only include chips, bread and coco puffs with our sunglasses on to hide how high we are and we're pushing the cart to the car and we only paid for one milk when we bought two so we basically stole milk

Okay I just moved in with a couple of friends and I've been living college life to the extreme since I have. I stay in pajamas all day and go out only to smoke weed. Yeah I've never mentioned that here except mention that I'm blogging under the influence but I'm going to talk about it more freely now. I'm still a little teenager at heart but I love drugs they make me see beauty and I love it so yeah I just wanted to make my life situation clear. I love with a bunch of guys from school they treat me like a little sister and know I have a girlfriend so it's nothing romantic with any one of them and I couldn't be more grateful for how things are next post is my moment of the day

So I've decided to this thing called moment of the day
I will post about one moment everyday that makes me smile and be happy and I inspires me to blog
This will be good for my mental health right now and make me update my blog more and if you read this and think it would be a fun thing to do, do it and link your moment in my ask or in comments and we can talk about it if you'd like

Happiness

So recently I've kinda made friends with this group of people. And they're literally the fun-est people I've ever met. I'm not saying they're the nicest or coolest or anything. They just genuinely seem to have a lot of fun. And the whole school agrees. Yesterday, I was with them and they were playing dare roulette and it wasn't just make out with so and so. They made everyone do hecka dumb things like go sleep on some random girls lap without saying anything and lay on the floor in a compromising position. And people actually did these. And I was just sitting there being hope it's not me hope it's not me.
I used to find these people intimidating and now I get why. They're just at this level of confidence and happiness that I can never achieve. I don't even know how to. I think sadness is beautiful and happiness can be shallow. It can come momentarily and leave you hanging. It can be alluring. Happiness is always accompanied by sadness. But sadness stands alone too. You can be so so sad. And in that moment the little happiness does more harm than good. It makes you chase something you might not yet. I'm not unhappy. There is no reason to be. I just think sadness has so much depth. And art never comes from happiness.
I'm sad only because I choose to be. But I want to stop. I want to give happiness a chance

He likes me he likes me not

You know how you feel when you have a crush on someone? I haven't had one in a while and I've missed this feeling. To wait for them to come online or reply to that text. To go to school just to run into them. And that 5 word conversation when you do run into them makes all the effort worth it. I'm confused obviously. About my feelings about whether this is just an infatuation whether I should tell him or take it slow. But he makes me happy. He seems to understand. He and I just click. And for once I honestly don't wanna ruin the friendship incase he doesn't like me back. I wish I could stop over thinking things. And just be impulsive. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just walk up to him in the middle of the cafeteria and kiss him. But then again, am I ready to deal with rejection where EVERYONE knows what happened. I feel like Lizzie freaking McGuire.

Truth is, I get jealous easily because what's mine is mine. I'm stubborn as hell, I say sorry too much. I act like I don't give a fuck because I care too much. I over analyze the smallest of things & probably come off as a bitch to simply guard myself.

There's a thin line between enough and too much. Whether it's the alcohol you consume, the cigarettes you smoke, or the love you waste, that lines crossed by every single one of us.

its hard to accept the truth when the lies are exactly what you wanted to hear

I've accepted that we can't be but I've also accepted that
you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of me life,
the one who is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots.
the one who can make me feel like the happiest person on the planet
but also make me cry within miliseconds
no matter how happy i am otherwise and no matter how long it's been
i feel fortunate to have felt love so real

Is there life before death?

We fail to understand that the time we have is limited. Immortality is of no use to someone who can't spend half an hour wisely. Life goes by as you're trying to 'kill time'. Time is far too precious to be killed.

Teenage dream

I just realized my blogs title used to be "rantingsofatypicalteendramaqueen.blogspot.com" and I changed it a while ago but everything on my blog is about the struggles of being an ordinary teenager. And in 6 months I'm not going to be a teenager. I feel so not ready to be so old. I've never dreamed about being a powerful career lady or a really successful mom or a crazy romance where I get married in brazil or something. All I've ever dreamed of being is a very cool teen blogger or something. Like in awkward or the Carrie diaries. You know she leads an ordinary but extremely eventful life and pulls out deep meanings behind daily happenings and yeah you get the point.
Getting back to what this post was about. I'm not ready to be an adult. Like a legit non-teenager. A teenager is who I am. It's like my destiny. I don't have a disorder where I have an irrational fear of growing up, I am not scared. I'm sad. Very nostalgic. It's like in losing an old friend and everything's going to change now. Kind of like PPD. I'm not ready to let go yet. So I'm going to make the next six months the best of my life. And I'm going to do that by letting my guard down and being impulsive and letting loose and not being so uptight and lazy. These 6 months are about having fun. They're about making mistakes. About putting myself out there. Not being so afraid of rejection. Being more confident. Believing in myself. Caring about the ones around me. Making people feel loved. Living the teenage dream (I'm in California for crying out loud this could NOT get better!). And finally finding myself.
It's so cool that I thought of all this EXACTLY 6 months before my birthday. HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY TO ME!

It's either this or doing math and I abhor math

Okay so I just realized something quite weird about me. It's very easy for me to smile at or talk to someone who I don't find attractive. Like I can talk to everyone in class except that one boy who I think is cute no matter how approachable they may be. My entire personality changes because my attitude towards them is so different from my attitude towards everyone else. So no matter how good a relationship I get into the person I'm with will never really like me for "the real me". That's kind really sad. I'm going to work very hard on changing this attitude. And I feel like this is a very general problem. All of us act in a different way around people we like or like have a crush on. You try to be 10x more charming and 10x more nice and try to look 10x prettier. Which is a good thing too. It means that this person motivates you to bring about positive changes in you. Makes you progress as a human being. I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense I'm just very bored in math class and it motivated me to finally update my blog. I've been so lazy recently it's awful. Regular posts starting now :D

I just want to matter.

Sometimes I feel lonely. Unloved. And I tell myself that if people don't accept my flaws than they're not worth fretting over. But then I feel like its not the flaws. I feel like I'm not really a person. I have no personality. Nothing that stands out. Nothing particularly interesting or fascinating. People don't dislike me. Because they barely notice that I exist. I'm not special. I'm not anyones favorite. I'm just... kinda there. Or I'm important to people because circumstances make it that way. But no ones goes out of their way because they find me interesting and want to be friends with me. Not once. And that is worse than being disliked. 

10 curiosities.

1. Memory. Like how it works. Not just in the human brain but in all forms. I know there is some biological/ technical explanation about information is stored. Maybe I should make an effort to find out.

2. Animals. Like how they think and communicate and how their psychology works. Every animal. If dogs can talk to other dogs. Or if they can talk to cats. If they’re more equipped than us to communicate or not.

3. Love. If different people feel it in different way, the way different people smell Amortentia differently, do they feel different things when they fall in love either?

4. The creation of the Universe. I’m stalking a mythology class and every culture has 382965 different explanations for how we came into being. Science too. I just don’t know which one to believe. Is there a greater power? Are we controlled by something?

5. After-life. Is it just a fullstop the minute we die, or is there an afterlife. Is there a heaven or hell? Guess I’ll never find out in this life.

6. Why horses can’t vomit. I know its a scientific fact. They can’t. I don’t know why. They can’t.

7. What the person I’m going to marry (If I ever get married) is doing at this very moment. Do they ever wonder what I’m doing? Do I already know them? Do they know me?

8. Is magic real? I would like to believe that this isn’t all there is. I want to believe in magic. In Hogwarts. And in elves and pixies and toys coming to life in the middle of the night.

9. Do I have a doppleganger somewhere? I grew up with the Olsen twins and I really really wanted a twin all my childhood. And I just wanna know if there is someone else out there who looks exactly like me.

10. Have I ever affected the life of someone I don’t even know?

i want to do things that inspire me to blog

if there is one thing i wouldn't wanna be, its shallow

Lately, I've been surrounded by people. And I'm realizing how lonely it is. I might have felt like it before but not like this. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with my friends right now. But there is a lot I don't understand about them. A lot of things we absolutely do not have in common. I feel like a Chihuahua in a room full of Great Dane's if you know what I mean. I have to pretend to be excited for the things they're excited for. I have to fake interest. Make so much of an effort to keep the conversation going. Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. I have been so busy I haven't had time to be unhappy. But I'm misplaced. I care too much about what I wear and what people are doing and I'm trying too hard to be someone I don't even want to be. I guess I'm just really confused. I'm looking for the Great Perhaps but I don't know where to find it. I don't know where I'm going with anything. Whether its life or this post. I just want to be that person who can find happiness in everything. I want to be that person who is honest and trustworthy and the person who doesn't care too much. I want to be the person I was yesterday. That person was closer to being the person that I want to be than I am today. I want to stop searching for love and just fall. I want to make tye dye shirts. I want paint with bubbles. I want to visit barcelona. I want to read. I want to play hide and seek in Ikea. I want to eat shawarma on Carter Road. I just want to be me. And be happy with being me. I want to feel like I belong. I want to get rid of the feeling that I'm not good enough. And get rid of a world that makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I want to be able to breathe. I want to be interesting. I want to make people feel special. I want to make someone smile. I want to one good deed a day. I want to pay a strangers tab at a restaurant. I want to stop judging people by what others think of them. I want to stop over-thinking. I want to quit smoking. I want to laugh. I want to fall in love with as many things as possible.