Happiness

So recently I've kinda made friends with this group of people. And they're literally the fun-est people I've ever met. I'm not saying they're the nicest or coolest or anything. They just genuinely seem to have a lot of fun. And the whole school agrees. Yesterday, I was with them and they were playing dare roulette and it wasn't just make out with so and so. They made everyone do hecka dumb things like go sleep on some random girls lap without saying anything and lay on the floor in a compromising position. And people actually did these. And I was just sitting there being hope it's not me hope it's not me.
I used to find these people intimidating and now I get why. They're just at this level of confidence and happiness that I can never achieve. I don't even know how to. I think sadness is beautiful and happiness can be shallow. It can come momentarily and leave you hanging. It can be alluring. Happiness is always accompanied by sadness. But sadness stands alone too. You can be so so sad. And in that moment the little happiness does more harm than good. It makes you chase something you might not yet. I'm not unhappy. There is no reason to be. I just think sadness has so much depth. And art never comes from happiness.
I'm sad only because I choose to be. But I want to stop. I want to give happiness a chance

He likes me he likes me not

You know how you feel when you have a crush on someone? I haven't had one in a while and I've missed this feeling. To wait for them to come online or reply to that text. To go to school just to run into them. And that 5 word conversation when you do run into them makes all the effort worth it. I'm confused obviously. About my feelings about whether this is just an infatuation whether I should tell him or take it slow. But he makes me happy. He seems to understand. He and I just click. And for once I honestly don't wanna ruin the friendship incase he doesn't like me back. I wish I could stop over thinking things. And just be impulsive. Maybe I should. Maybe I should just walk up to him in the middle of the cafeteria and kiss him. But then again, am I ready to deal with rejection where EVERYONE knows what happened. I feel like Lizzie freaking McGuire.

Truth is, I get jealous easily because what's mine is mine. I'm stubborn as hell, I say sorry too much. I act like I don't give a fuck because I care too much. I over analyze the smallest of things & probably come off as a bitch to simply guard myself.

There's a thin line between enough and too much. Whether it's the alcohol you consume, the cigarettes you smoke, or the love you waste, that lines crossed by every single one of us.

its hard to accept the truth when the lies are exactly what you wanted to hear

I've accepted that we can't be but I've also accepted that
you're going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of me life,
the one who is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots.
the one who can make me feel like the happiest person on the planet
but also make me cry within miliseconds
no matter how happy i am otherwise and no matter how long it's been
i feel fortunate to have felt love so real

Is there life before death?

We fail to understand that the time we have is limited. Immortality is of no use to someone who can't spend half an hour wisely. Life goes by as you're trying to 'kill time'. Time is far too precious to be killed.

Teenage dream

I just realized my blogs title used to be "rantingsofatypicalteendramaqueen.blogspot.com" and I changed it a while ago but everything on my blog is about the struggles of being an ordinary teenager. And in 6 months I'm not going to be a teenager. I feel so not ready to be so old. I've never dreamed about being a powerful career lady or a really successful mom or a crazy romance where I get married in brazil or something. All I've ever dreamed of being is a very cool teen blogger or something. Like in awkward or the Carrie diaries. You know she leads an ordinary but extremely eventful life and pulls out deep meanings behind daily happenings and yeah you get the point.
Getting back to what this post was about. I'm not ready to be an adult. Like a legit non-teenager. A teenager is who I am. It's like my destiny. I don't have a disorder where I have an irrational fear of growing up, I am not scared. I'm sad. Very nostalgic. It's like in losing an old friend and everything's going to change now. Kind of like PPD. I'm not ready to let go yet. So I'm going to make the next six months the best of my life. And I'm going to do that by letting my guard down and being impulsive and letting loose and not being so uptight and lazy. These 6 months are about having fun. They're about making mistakes. About putting myself out there. Not being so afraid of rejection. Being more confident. Believing in myself. Caring about the ones around me. Making people feel loved. Living the teenage dream (I'm in California for crying out loud this could NOT get better!). And finally finding myself.
It's so cool that I thought of all this EXACTLY 6 months before my birthday. HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY TO ME!

It's either this or doing math and I abhor math

Okay so I just realized something quite weird about me. It's very easy for me to smile at or talk to someone who I don't find attractive. Like I can talk to everyone in class except that one boy who I think is cute no matter how approachable they may be. My entire personality changes because my attitude towards them is so different from my attitude towards everyone else. So no matter how good a relationship I get into the person I'm with will never really like me for "the real me". That's kind really sad. I'm going to work very hard on changing this attitude. And I feel like this is a very general problem. All of us act in a different way around people we like or like have a crush on. You try to be 10x more charming and 10x more nice and try to look 10x prettier. Which is a good thing too. It means that this person motivates you to bring about positive changes in you. Makes you progress as a human being. I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense I'm just very bored in math class and it motivated me to finally update my blog. I've been so lazy recently it's awful. Regular posts starting now :D